Most of you have probably heard that the rapture is supposedly happening this Saturday, May 21st (“the Bible guarantees it!”). So you’re probably wondering, Will I be raptured? Do I need to find care for my pets? Never fear, I’ve created a flowchart that will answer any doubt you may have.
Peas and Cougars 
Damn it, I knew I wouldn’t make it!!!!
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Dear Jesus:
Thank you for the Rapture. Please take your flock because they are bugging the sh*t out of me. Hugs and Kisses.
-Kel
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Dear Kelly,
You said it!
Hugs and Kisses,
Fitger
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couldn’t have said it bettER!
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Same as me? I really wasn’t into my wife grabbing my opponent’s balls during that fight. If I only hadn’t stopped her, things would have been fine. I wonder if I can start up another naked wrestling match before it’s too late.
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This is dumb and incorrect; there will definitely be people going to Heaven, but this flowchart has no outlets for that. Apparently, according to this flowchart your best hope is to wear lenen all the time. That’s dumb. I mean everybody’s sinned, all right!
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Excellent.
Typo alert: “Have you ever tried to help your husband in a figth…?”
Grammar and spelling nazis will, most likely, be left behind. Thank god for that!
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Ah, thanks for the tip! I don’t have the ability to edit it now, but I’ll catch it later. I was up late trying to finish the flowchart before the Rapture happened, so I probably missed a few things.
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figth is correct, it’s a Biblical term, a fight using figs.
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Yes, that’s exactly what I meant.
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You will be left behind for attempting to hide your evil, non-apellchecking ways. Oh shit…
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God Hateth Figth
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LOL!
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The first rule of Figth Club… is you don’t discuss Figth Club
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That made me laugh uproariously!
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You just made “LOL” actually literal.
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me too! best one yet.
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Late to the party, but never too late to appreciate a good Fight Club/misspelling joke. Thanks!
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if you are still here, you can correct it. If not, oh well. LOL Good thing Bob was able to figure out what you were saying. (wipes sweat from forehead).
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Actually, a “figth” is a fraction. The term comes from Biblical times, when a common unit of currency was a fig pie. It takes exactly seven and a half figs to make a fig pie, so a fraction of one seven-and-a-halfth (approximately 13%)was referred to as a figth.
As fig currency devalued, the term came to mean something worthless, and passed into such expressions as “Nobody gives a figth about you and your stupid problems.”
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Real or not that makes a lot of sense. We should bring that phrase back into action. Doesn’t roll off the tounge too well though.
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Depends. When I had three root canals on the same day, that was pretty much all I COULD say.
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tongue is spelled t-o-n-g-u-e….
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soooooooooooo left behind
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You must be a real winner at the game “Dictionary” (aka Balderdash)! You get a lot of points for that answer 🙂
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Thanks for that. That’s why my mom always said she didn’t give a fig about whatever! She didn’t even know why she said it, I’d bet. I always wish she was still here, but I sure would love to tell here this. She always loved knowledge.
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She’s probably reading it over your shoulder. Laugh with her, and feel her mom’s hug!
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You sir win seven and a half internets.
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Also, “blasphemers”? No apostrophe needed.
We writers/copy editors will also be left behind. And I’m ok with that.
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I know there’s a few typos, but I can’t fix them. The grammar gods will leave me behind.
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typ into a word doc, use spell and grammar check than gut and paste to where you want the corrected text
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I used Photoshop to create the flowchart, which I’m just learning how to use. I simplified the text so it’s not editable, and haven’t had a chance to figure out how to change it. In any case, the incorrect version is everywhere, so I figure it’s pretty pointless now anyway. 🙂
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“gut” and paste?…sounds messy!! Definitely left behind.
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I know you meant “there’re” a few typos, not “there’s”. But we all know what road is paved with good intentions, don’t we?
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and I believe you meant they’re
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Why would he mean “they are” a few typos?
It is not considered correct to form contractions like “here’re” (here are) or “there’re” (there are), but this is a slightly grey area, and these contractions are still used sometimes in informal writing. They should be avoided.
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He meant “there are” a few typos.
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I believe he did mean “there’re”, but in a facetious way. “There’s” would be a contraction for “there is”, and preceded by “a few typos” would be incorrect. As in “many are” and “one is”. Because I get it, it will not rupture or rapture or whatever it is.
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“Figth” is a biblical term. If you didn’t know that . . . left behind. Sorry.
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What does everybody have against the left behind all of a sudden? Is this some kind of left hand of god thing? As a left-handed person I demand equal treatment for all behinds!
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lol….that made my day….”As a left-handed person, I demand equal treatment for all behinds!”….That made my day for sure.
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This actually a reference to “No child left behind”, which means Congress knew about the rapture several years ago. As a teacher, I had thought it meant I could only swat on the right side, but now I know better.
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Nazi is a proper noun and should therefore be capitalized.
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There is nothing proper about nazis and they are therefore downgraded to lowercase status.
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Touche!! Real christians hate proper grammer and spelling
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“Christian” is a proper noun, and therefore, should be capitalized.
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Bob- the ‘g’ and ‘h’ are silent, so it really doesn’t matter where they are in that werd.
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crap! I’m an innocuous grammar freak – no hope for me!
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Heh. So much trouble could have been saved if you’d just said “you’ll be left behind.”
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Where’s the fun in that?
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and at least we will be in good company. Who’s hosting the party for those left behind?
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Everyone left behind (no offense left-handers) can hang out at my house in Bay View, Wisconsin. I’m inviting the sinners and fornicators, blasphemers, and atheists, etc. who are into drinking and gluttony. I would think that all grammarians will be gone.
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Except that none of those stipulations are present any more, now that Christ came to fulfill the law and give us new life.
And the bible does not guarantee it.
Invalid chart is invalid.
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The invalid chart is also a joke.
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I know, and i think its hilarious =)
I just wanted to let any one that might read it know,that kind of judgement is no longer upon us. So that they weren’t confused about the nature of God. Thats all.
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How right you are, Chris!
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Thank you, Chris. I’m so glad you explained the nature of God to me on a blog. As Staples would say, “That was Easy!”
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I think I love you, J-Co 😉
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I realize you are being facetious but in reality it is that easy.
God loves us, Christ fulfilled the law, we can now operate in what we were created for; to worship God and have a relationship with Him while loving others.
That was easy =)
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Ohh Chris. Which part of the New Testament says that none of the Old Testament rules apply any longer? Maybe it’s Matthew 5:17-18 where Jesus specifically states that none of the old Law shall be abolished? “Every jot and tittle” — sound familiar?
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Sin boldly, I always say. Sign me glad to be left behind, I sooooo want our earth back from the god folk.
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tl;dr
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Terran, Christ is the physical fulfillment of the law. No one can keep the law totally, it is impossible. That is why sacrifices were made for sin. But Jesus is the perfect sacrifice for all our sin and he fulfils the law. ‘We just need to place our faith in and trust in him and accept the payment he made for our sin.
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Judgement will be on us when Christ returns everyone will be judged. There is no where in the bible where it says we will not be judged. Non – believers and sinners who have not accepted Jesus will be thrown in hell while the believers will be with Christ forever
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People with no sense of humor will definitely be raptured. Congrats!
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Great. So now I’ll have to take care of my boss’s pets?!?
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Thank God! Oh, that was probably inappropriate. My bad. No rapture for me now:(
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Ah, the old “Bait and Switch” – And the bible does not guarantee it – here, let me dangle a carrot in front of you, for you to blindly follow, then say oops! you did not read the fine print… no guarantees (and no refunds for time and good intentions mis-spent).
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Fantastic! I’ll see you all at the afterparty.
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That would be the rap’ party….
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When is the after-party? I have a mean schedule of post rapture looting I really need to stick to.
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This is priceless. Love it!
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Amen!!…oops, probably left behind
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I’m doomed. Ignorance was bliss. I should have known not to read a blog titled “Peas and Cougars.” No good can come from a mind that works that way.
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Also people who spell “blasphemers” as “blasphmer’s” with an apostrophe will be left behind.
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Right you are, sir.
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Sorry, I’ve tried to fix my typos, but I can’t edit them. You’re right, the grammar gods are totally going to leave me behind.
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That’s okay. I’ll keep your seat warm. Because like everything it’ll be on fire.
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XD that one finally made me laugh. Clever
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Next flowcart suggestions:
Will your blog post go viral?
Will your blog make you a millionaire?
Will the rapture happen tomorrow?
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Brilliant!
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Ohhhhh Stink ! I’ll fail big time. Left behind
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Darn that Leviticus! One day shy of the end of my period and now I don’t get to be a part of the rapture… Oh well, I have to work Saturday anyway…I guess I’ll catch the next one.
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This flowchart is utterly wrong. I have done many of these things, however I know that Jesus will not leave me behind because I have put my faith in Him and asked me to forgive me of my sins. The fact that being on my period and I would be left behind is purely ridiculous, as being unclean on your period was Old Testament and is now obsolete. God can forgive you of your sins – nobody is perfect and without Him sending His son to die for us, we would all be left behind and sent to Hell, to be separated from Him forever. I pray that people would see the truth of the Gospel, not these lies that have been created.
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Funny how the argument about the Old Testament being obsolete never seems to pass with those Christians who still declare homosexuality an affront to God…
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Dude, Romans 1 and 1 Corinthians 6:9 both condemn the practice of homosexuality. It’s Old and New Testament.
Just saying.
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You mean the bit that ranks gays along side drunkards, adulterers, the greedy, and the swindlers? I mean, puts them on the exact. Same. Level? (That level being that God won’t reward them, saying nothing about how mankind should, or if it should, punish them?
When the Religious Right works to pass laws saying people found guilty of adultery, swindling, or greed can’t marry or have any of the other benefits that they’re trying to deny gays, I’ll accept your argument.
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It is wrong!!!!!! He destroyed a whole city because of it. He made man and woman it is not right for man to lay with a man nor woman with a woman….If the gays dont change then they know where their place will be
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Oh, and how do you feel about homosexuality? If the Old Testament is obsolete because some idiots nailed the son of your god to a stick, then you should have absolutely no problem with it.
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blah blah blah
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Yea, come on now.
We know god loves us, because he gave us the plague with rats and fleas to spread it, and malaria with mosquitoes to spread it, and a lot of other fun things.
If that ain’t love, what is?
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LOVE IT. ROFLMAO
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Well, the greatest love of all is in fact sending one to hell to be tortured in the most horrible way for all eternity for not believing an utterly unbelievable pile of crizzle. Also for being how we were made. Sorry lord for being the terrible sinner you made me.
“and thank you (God) for sending Lisa to save us from the moth you sent us!” Rodd Flanders, on “The Simpsons”
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careful there!
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This chart has exactly as much truth in it as your gospels.
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Well Amy I’m sure you and your sky fairies will be very happy together, say hello to the Easter bunny and the great pumpkin for me.
Do leave the door unlocked, I don’t want to hurt my shoulder breaking into all those empty homes.
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Chill people! Ms. PeasnCougars is JOKING. You know, that thing people with a sense of humor do sometimes. If more people relaxed and didn’t cram their version of “Christianity” down others’ throats, the world would be a much better place. Ooh wait, guess I’m left behind too, for calling y’all out. Peace.
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Perfectly stated, Jodi. I gave up on religion about 20 years ago because of all these holier-than-thous trying to cram their views down my throat. Well, that and priests driving Cadilliacs, were HUGE gold crosses, and molesting little boys. Let’s not even get started on the fact that religious zealots, who preach the word of their god, are the most judgemental people I’ve ever met. I think I’d rather go to hell than spend life surrounded by those idiots. Good thing I don’t believe in a heaven or hell either.
This was a joke, people, and a funny one at that. Lighten up a little.
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*wearing not were (before the grammar police get me)
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No comment because I’m only the Grammar Rent-a-cop
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Oh come on – it obviously is a joke and not to be taken seriously! You know that people with no sense of humor will be left behind, right?
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If they aren’t, I’m not going.
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you mean you WANT to be here with a bunch of people who don’t know how to laugh and have fun?
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oops, sorry – I misread your comment
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Further evidence that most Christians don’t have a sense of humor.
God does – he let them hang out with us, didn’t he? They found your blog… a little divine guidance?? Maybe he was hoping to get them to lighten up before 6pm… There’s still time ya know.
Too bad you can’t fix prude.
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You’re dumb. You’ll be left behind because you don’t get the joke.
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I don’t think you realise just how brilliant this chart is and how much it actually DOES support Christianity. The chart essentially goes to show that we’re pretty much doomed. We have no way of escaping it because we are all guilty of at least something there. So unless we have some kind of savior to ‘rescue’ us from our own sin – we’re screwed. No one can live up to the standards of the bible – and that’s the point. So then, it’s not about ‘being the greatest, nicest, bestest’ person in the world. It’s about realising how guilty you are in terms of the ‘law’ and turning to God and saying you’re sorry.
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And BOOM goes the truth.
Though, please do attempt to be kind.
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Rewind!
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like.
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Hey now, hey now. Don’t go lumping me into the rest of you that failed. I only don’t get to make it because apparently I’m a robot and wasn’t aware of that fact.
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Yeah, guilty of being how God created us. How nice. Hey, I’ve known a number of “saved” people, and they are to a man sanctimonious and judgmental, at best. The only thing that being saved has done for them is to put them in a position to be sent to 24×7 church for all eternity. I’ll take hell, where all the cool people are. I personally think we’ve been lied to. Yahweh was only the god of the Isrealites anyway. What of this “land of Nod” where Cain went to “know” a wife? What peak did Satan take Jesus up on to the see all all of creation? Jesus’s dying on the cross to save everyone being the “ultimate sacrifice” when countless soldiers have thrown themselves on a grenade to save the life of just one other person. What a pile of crizzle!
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Dammit! I was so close! I never should have answered that last question.
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The brainwashed zealots rushing to the defense of xtianity amuse me.
Jesus this, jesus that.. Give me a break. You kids haven’t even read the f.ing bible, which clearly states that the old testament laws are sacrosanct.. let me quote jesus for you ignorant dimwits:
“Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I have come not to abolish but to fulfill. Amen, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest part or the smallest part of a letter will pass from the law, until all things have taken place.” (Matthew 5:17 NAB)
“For truly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass the law until all is accomplished. Whoever then relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches men so, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but he who does them and teaches them shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:18-19 RSV)
“It is easier for Heaven and Earth to pass away than for the smallest part of the letter of the law to become invalid.” (Luke 16:17 NAB)
“All scripture is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, for refutation, for correction, and for training in righteousness…” (2 Timothy 3:16 NAB)
“Know this first of all, that there is no prophecy of scripture that is a matter of personal interpretation, for no prophecy ever came through human will; but rather human beings moved by the holy Spirit spoke under the influence of God.” (2 Peter 20-21 NAB)
There’s much more, but hopefully you’ll get the gist of it by now.. No matter how gay you are for jesus, if you haven’t murdered your disobedient children and those wives you’ve found not to be virgins on the wedding night.. you are freaking DOOMED, you’ll go to hell and roast there for eternity..
Or.. a more plausible explanation.. It’s all made up and you should stop fucking worrying.
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Damn, ya beat me to it. Don’t bother, these Bible thumping Jesus fanatics are thick headed. ANYTHING someone else says is wrong in their eyes. It’s pure ignorance. They will always think they are right. Have you not noticed by the way they constantly force feed society with their fantasy talk bologna? You see, they believe they can cherry pick whatever the hell they like from that bull-crap fairytale book. It’s sad really. Jesus was a mere man. Besides, were THEY there when he walked the earth? Of course not. So Christians, shut the hell up. You’re just making yourselves look dumber and dumber.
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I really feel for your soul, In the end you will be surprised when whats in that “Book” has come to pass and you have missed the boat. I’ll pray for you 🙂
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As christians we’re not supposed to judge or feel high and mighty enough to condem anyone else to hell…… Duh people that do that are missing the entire point. We’re supposed to set an example and if someone reaches out and ask “why are you this way?” then you reply because of my faith in God. Don’t shove it down anyone’s throats…. Let people want it, let them need it. “I’ll pray for you :D” makes every other christian look like a tool, it’s condescending and ridiculous. As far as being “doomed” because we’re not perfect, us being imperfect is kind of the point. We’re supposed to realize that and turn to God for forgiveness and shelter. If you choose to do so is up to each individual person, you can’t force someone to. They have to want it with their own heart.
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Yeah Becca!
It’s so nice to hear someone here has common sense. I don’t remember Jesus thumping, jumping, singing, or making a spectacle of himself. If he’s our example, then everyone just SHUT UP
Start your own blog
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AMEN Becca!! For the record, I consider myself a pretty decent Christian. Believe in Him whole-heartedly, especially that whole part about “Judge NOT, least ye be judged.” I have found most every single post on here funny as hell, those of people who are Christian, non-Christian, Jewish, Athiest, or just plain ole Smart-Ass. Colton, you’re not funny, you’re just plain mean. Sorry if you’ve had to deal with too many Bible-thumpers in your life, but no matter what you believe or don’t believe, you don’t have to be an ass to everyone else! And Kay, it does sound very tool-ish to “pray for people” because they believe something you don’t. You wanna pray for people, pray for those in pain, who are suffering. And while you’re at it, pray for more understanding of ALL of God’s children, even those who are different than you!
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Well looks like you were one of the lucky ones got lifted to heaven on Saturday.
Me? I’ll take the train thanks
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Oh please. No one believes they are abolished in the slightest. Do you seriously think that 2000 years of Christianity have gone by and /no-one/ picked up on this. Who is the ignorant one? If you look at what has been said, Christians believe that Jesus came as a FULFILMENT of the law. If you had ANY understanding of the most basic Christian theology, you would see that theocracy of the Jews expanded for the gentiles. Many gentiles did not live under a theocracy. The ceremonial, financial, political, and sacrificial laws were there as a way of establishing God’s chosen people AT THAT TIME. Upon Jesus’ death and resurrection, God’s kingdom had expanded far greater. Jesus established Himself as King and fulfilled the law. It was not done away with – but completed in Him. The new identity of His people is not in legalistic laws that separate them from the rest of the world, but in Him.
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Blah, blah, blah, blah
Not the place to puke your preaching
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When Jesus died it was so that none of that… ” murdering disobedient children, killing non virgin wives blahzay blahzy” was needed. He replaced all that so that all we would have to do was ask for forgiveness. So in a way no one is ever “doomed.” People that represent Christianity in the right way don’t “force feed,” they accept and love. Every person that claims to be a christian isn’t necessarily doing it the right way just like every musician isn’t good and every restaurant doesn’t have awesome food. Grouping every “christian” in the same category isn’t right. Some of us genuninely love people like we’re supposed to and lead a life that is good and happy to set an example for those who may be seeking answers. We’re not all ignorant, we’re not all thick-headed….. It just seems the loudest of us are. No judgement on anything you said, and I am very christian
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Go Becc
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Again, Becca, you are AWESOME!
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wow – that’s a lot of Scripture for a non-believer to quote! But you know that if you use enough passages, you can make the Bible say anything you want. It tells us that after Judas betrayed Jesus, He went out and hung himself. Then in another passage, it says “Go and do likewise.” So we should all go hang ourselves???? Just bustin’ your chops, dude. I find it quite interesting that someone who isn’t a believer can quote the Bible better than a lot of Christians can.
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Doesn’t surprise me at all. Only a non-believer can read the bible and think critically at the same time. Only a non-believer can see how silly the whole thing is.
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Please, please, please don’t fix the typos! It is so much better this way!
Thanks for making me laugh! I was feeling a little down (mainly because I’m really going to miss my (non-human) dog after Saturday) and this brightened me right up!
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I know, I think it’s bullshit that my cats won’t be raptured with me.
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Frankly, I don’t believe it could actually be heaven without my cats.
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Agreed x 100.
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Ditto, my cats are more loving than most of the people I know, and aside from committing the sin of hairball upchucking on the bed in the middle of the night once, they’re practically perfect.
But it’s all a moot point for me anyway – I’m a gay wiccan (witch) so I’m definitely not going anywhere. I just hope this means traffic will be lighter on the way to work Monday morning.
And please – don’t pray for me. If you do that, then you’re asking your god to fundamentally change who I am, which goes against both my nature and my wishes, and in my religion we call that sort of energy black magic.
Have a nice rapture.
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Or my doggies! They’re all waiting for me on the front porch of my mansion! Who’s been cleaning the cat box for the last 20 yrs? Or is there no poop in heaven? Maybe that’s why it’s heaven!
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There seems to be a big confusion here between the Christian and atheist posters about the law in the Hebrew Bible and how this relates to rapture:
First: the Christian poster who stated that ‘Christ fulfils the Law’ is quite right theologically. The Christian tradition understands the Gospel statements about the law needing to be met fully by Jesus as Christ, i.e. the Messiah. As such, individual Christians no longer need to fulfil all aspects of the Law (it still doesn’t answer the question of what Jesus meant, or even whether he said some of this which is another matter).
Second: as the rapture is a specifically Christian notion its not very useful to discuss it in relation to Jewish traditions of ritual purity – these are totally non-soteriological (to do with salvation). All you need to do is cleanse yourself afterwards, so whether you’ve mixed your linen, eaten the wrong sort of food, or had homosexual relations with someone of the same gender, its not a big issue, its just about whether you can sacrifice in the temple after doing it.
Third: as a Galilean Rabbi of the first century CE, Jesus, as seen in various gospel stories, has a pretty relaxed attitude to much of the law, i.e. ‘work’ on the Sabbath, and really wasn’t as hard line about fulfilling every commandment as an exacting requirement. Also, as a Galilean Rabbi he’d be pretty much amazed that anyone was worshipping him, and would most likely be far more worked up about that than anything else.
Fourth: Rapture as an idea really has very little to do with the Bible, or most parts of the Christian tradition come to that – I know this may come as a shock to lots of Americans, especially Christians, but it really is a rather odd minority cult in the tradition, and you have to do some pretty hard exegesis (biblical interpretation) to find it. Its also pretty clear that Jesus said that nobody knows when things are coming to an end. But, on a cheerier note, there is quite a lot of very respectable theological speculation based in the mainstream Christian tradition, and many of its most significant theologians, that God wants to save everyone and will in fact do so: an idea found in everyone from the speculative Alexandrian Origen to contemporary evangelicals, via some key Catholic and Orthodox thinkers. So relax, even if the looney-nutcase rapturists are right it might just turn out that God is a nice old lady!
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Thanks I needed that.
🙂
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God is Alanis Morrisett, remember?
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no way, Clapton is god
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Actually, I think you have missed a simple set of proofs here:
!. God is love.
2. Love is blind.
3. Stevie Wonder is blind.
THEREFORE:
4. Stevie Wonder is God.
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Thanks for bringing up the thing that has always bugged me the most, having been raised in a fundamentalist christian household, and now, a 62 year old lesbian mother of two perfectly wonderful daughters: I do not think Jesus had any intention of being worshiped, in fact would be appalled at the whole idea of the modern christian church who bows down to him as a god. Jesus likely came to us as a great spiritual teacher, attempting to show us, mostly via metaphors, how to find our own power and majesty through our personal connections with god.
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tl;dr
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Quick question — is that wool and linen together? Or at different times?
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I think together, if you wear them at different times you’re cool.
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It’s blended fabrics that are a no no. Do you eat meat and milk at the same meal? Go to hell!! Do not pass go. Old testament dietary restrictions apply! Of course, on the flip side the old testament rules do not apply because Christ or whatever entity it was at the time decided to give up the ghost for everybody. That means that even wicked non believers will be raptured because it was an umbrella clause that covered all of humanity. So suck it born agains and fundies… and while you’re at it chew my undies!
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Actually, Peas and Cougars, a 2% multi-blend is acceptable.
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Don’t tell anyone, people might get the idea that my flowchart is fake!
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Oops.
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Jesus “said” that everyone who believes in him and asks forgiveness for their sins will live forever. That is the reason Christianity has been so popular for so long. One does NOT have to be a good person in any way whatsoever, you just have to tell god you’re sorry, and tell jesus you’re a believer. Bingo, Rapture! Despite the bible quotes Adam posted, the bottom line from JC is, Believe, Repent, go to the Rapture. Why do you think there are so many more Christians than Jews????.
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Um, possibly because the Christians kept killing off the Jews?
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I almost split something when I read this…..perfect response….I award you….the internet.
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Sorry Lisa you have misunderstood, Jesus has to be truly in your heart not just in your mouth so you can say all you want I believe BUT Jesus knows whats in your heart at all times if you are not truly sorry and repent and change your ways than it will pass you by.
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The holocaust may have something to do with it…
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Amy: “Old Testament and is now obsolete”
I guess that screws the 10 Commandments then?
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Looks like I’m getting left behind. At least I’ll be in good company 🙂
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You neglected to mention that only 12,000 members from each tribe of Israel will be lifted up, and so there’s a marked statistical advantage to belonging to a more obscure, less populous tribe (Naphthali? Zebulon? Dan?). The Book of Revelation plainly limits the rapture to 144,000, meaning that a fraction of 1% of American evangelical Christians will actually make the cut. I’d say that presuming that one will be raptured up this weekend demonstrates a lack of the very humility that would be required for inclusion in the event.
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Riiiiiiight. Read that section of Revelation again, please, and realize those folks are walking about during the whole judgment of the world deal.
K. Thanks.
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Yeay! To your chart! 😛
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Made me laugh so much, thank you! I’m a Christian who has no time for nonsense btw!
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An oxymoron.
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Just a plain moron.
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He’s prooobably just talking about how stupid this whole rapture business is, but yeah
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Absolutely hilarious–I’ve recently shaved, so I’ll be left behind!
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May I suggest a fake beard? You could start a fight and cause a distraction and get into the gates before anyone realizes it’s camel hair.
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Pingback: Wondering if you will be Raptured? Follow this flowchart.
The truth is, “red letters/new testament” John 3:3..unless you are born again, you will not go in the rapture, no matter how good you live or what sins you’ve committed. The Bible says all have sinned and come short. John 3:16 “For God so loved the world (us), He gave his only Son to die for us( that we won’t have to be left behind and end up in hell) and if we believe in Him we shall not perish.” Revelation 20:19 “And whosoever
(me/you) not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.”
But we must choose for our own self eternity in heaven or eternity in hell. IT IS NO JOKE and its for keeps and individually decided!
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Yeah yeah, but John was a “Baptist” and was into this twisted drowning fantasy. Plus he probably was paid in food and drink to perform this “service” If he had said, Christ said you don’t have to go through the ritual anymore, the church would have dissolved. He would have had to go seek work tending sheep or buggering goats..or was it buggering sheep or tending goats.. I forget which..
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John the Baptist didn’t write the Gospel of John. It’s attributed to John the Beloved, one of Jesus 12 disciples.
Fail.
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Duh, John the Baptist wasn’t the author of the Epistles of John, nor of the gospel of John, nor the Revelation. Not that it matters.
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John the Baptist didn’t write the Gospel of John, btw. Completely different John. Was a common name then, just like now.
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Great! Let’s see what will happen tomorrow!
🙂
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Damn my monthly, I knew it would eventually lead only to trouble! Come on menopause, mama’s depending on you to save my soul!
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Did you Fart in Walmart while you and your spouse were passing that old lady, then wave the air in front of your face and say ewww what crawled up inside you and died? Liar, you will not be raptured!
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who is this guy? Yeesh.
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So pretty much, the best chance you have to be raptured, according to this flowchart, is if you are a female who is not currently experiencing a period and has had her hand cut off.
0-o
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Wait. I think there’s a problem. I tried every path and they all lead to no rapture….uh…oh…i get it. God has mercy on the dumb creatures, right? Maybe he’ll take this stoopid wun two!
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love love love the humor.
really dislike those who don’t get that it is HUMOR!
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The devil is late for a midnight meeting at the Crossroads. You give him a lift. Now he owes you. Bigtime. He’s offering something really nice. But, you’re an atheist. And, in your mind, taking something from him is tantamount to acknowledging God’s existence. Problems arise. Not just with the devil, but with “that other guy.” You find that they’re making bets over you, not even big bets over your soul, but side bets over piddly little things here and there. And even though you still refuse to believe in either of them, you vow revenge against both. Soon, God and the devil both realize they’d picked on the wrong guy. Friend of the Devil, now on Kindle, only $7.99, by Brendan McNally (author of Germania, Simon & Schuster, 2009).
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Wait. So everybody gets left behind? Nice. I knew I didn’t have to worry.
Now I’m off to go find a figth.
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This was handy. Thank you for posting it. I’m not going anywhere. Good to know. *lol*
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I’m unclean and won’t be raptured. Guess I’ll go to the movies and drink beer, but probably not in that order.
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THANK YOU!! Now I know that I need to get groceries for Sunday dinner.
And it does always amuse me that humor flawlessly attracts people without humor, who then feel compelled to explain “It’s not funny.”
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I’m with you. Laugh or get out.
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I hear ya. Maybe the flowchart is missing a category….
No sense of humor -> Yes, Congratulations!! You are one of the ones no one will miss after Saturday
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Just wanted to leave a little note to the creator: absolutely outstanding.
I’m all for the whole believe whatever you want concept but c’mon Christians…take a joke. I’m pretty sure that God has a sense of humor, take poo flinging monkies, or people who think skinny jeans are flattering in any way. I’m just sayin’ – pull the stick out occaisionally and perhaps you’ll see the humor 😀
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Personally, I think it’s hilarious. Think the guy purporting to know when something which is unknowable according to the responsible Party is supposed to happen is a dolt.
I feel compelled to wonder why I feel compelled to pay attention to attention whores … wait … did I just answer my own conundrum? WIN!
Don’t like fundies? Ignore ’em. Don’t like me? Move along. Nothing to see.
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100% of my friends = no rapture.
We’ll have to go looking for other raptures
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I was wondering where the best place to view the rapture would be.
I had hoped to have a ringside seat, I’m so lucky it’s my day off! 😀
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Awesome!
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Do I as a christian believe that the world will end tomorrow NO. But I do believe we are seeing things taking place that have been forseen in the last book of the Bible. Its a very very sad world we live in. every day something new. All we can do is pray.
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I’m sure lots of people who lived during the bubonic plague, both world wars, and a shitload of other tragic events thought the end was coming as well.
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This is absolutely brilliant. Thanks for making this!
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Funny…very funny flowchart. The most funny part of all this raptured thing is that, no matter what we are all sinners and hell and heaven is all here on Earth. Is all about helping each other, respect each other no matter what. Smile, Jesus loves you!!!
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So does Satan!
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I may not be a theologian (someone who studies stone-age dieties), but I paid enough attention to Twilight Zone to know that if your dog is turned away at the gate, it ain’t heaven.
I politely decline your offer of rapture. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go feed my dog. Is she a good girl? Yes she is. Oh yes she is. Who’s a good girl?
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Can I quote you: “If your dog is turned away at the gate, it ain’t heaven.”
I know a LOT of people who will agree with you 150%.
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I was thinking about that very twilight zone episode too! The twilight zone was the best show ever. It was a great teacher of life’s lessons.
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I remember that episode. It was a very good one and I completely believe it. (Can I have a treat now? 😉
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i’m on the depo provera birth control shot … i just might be good to go ^.^
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Ooh, bad news about birth control….
At least the after party will be epic!
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D*mnit again!! I can’t win for losing!! Sh*t!
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I’m praying that God ruptures all the pious prigs/moralists/teabaggers and conservatives tomorrow. The rest of us can then enjoy a little peace on earth and goodwill will to (remaining) men…
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Sorry, I’m pretty sure they will be left behind.
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Ruptures? Well, in that case, I hope they’re ruptured, too. Sounds kinda messy though… O_O
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LOL that was awesome! -From a Christian, with a sense of humor.
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I’ve been raptured and they let me bring my computer.
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Was there free wifi?
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Everything is in the “cloud” in heaven!
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http://www.gracefellowshippgm.org/pastors-blog/maybe-not-this-week-but-the-end-is-coming
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I think there has never been a better time to say, “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.”
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HA!
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Can I get fries with that too??
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Love this!! Had to share it on Facebook so we can all know how best to plan for our next life…wherever that might take us. I’m also picking out my favorite handbasket just to make that next life easier
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Pingback: May 21st Judgement Day cartoon humor « Motley News
Oh Shit, I didn’t get past Start! Oh well, I’ll stay and fight the forces of evil. Do I get a M249 SAW?
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Sodomy? Nothing about sodomy? I’m sooooo disappointed, although I guess it’s just so completely obvious that we sodomites ain’t gonna get on the up elevator that you felt no need to, um, rub it in.
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I know, I left out a lot of good laws. I’ll get them in for the next rapture, promise.
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Sodomy is our friend.
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Creating new verbs is clearly grounds for a good old-fashioned rapturing.
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20 Good and Bad Things About the Rapture
http://www.zeitgeistnight.com/zeit/main_event_news.asp?news_cat=n003
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Pingback: Flowchart: Will you be raptured? at Astute
I needed a good laugh today; thank you!
I will be left behind for oh, soooooo many reasons. But as the song goes, I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. (Didn’t read back through all the comments, so forgive me if someone already quoted that.)
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Yes GOD did reveal information in other world changing events in the BIBLE but the BIBLE says specifically that NO MAN will no the day nor hour of the return of the LORD.
Whoever is responsible for all this May 21st Rapture does make some good arguments in the other articles i read BUT its completely obvious that they use scriptures that they want to make this theory make sense but leave out MANY key scriptures that would completely debunk this entire theory.
The flow chart is absolutely ridiculous and laughable. Remember “Mathew 24:36-But of that day and hour no one has knowledge, not even the angels in heaven, or the Son, but the Father only.”
Tuck aka SOM
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Who let this guy in??? Is he on the rapture list… please…?
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D*mnit!! I knew I should’ve stayed on the Depo shot!
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if you’re reading this, you’ve been left behind
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If asked if I’ve been good or bad, I’ll simply take the figth. I shouldn’t have to incrimate myself.
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Harold Camping, you are soul!
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What time does the Rapture start? Is it BYOB and do I need tickets? Maybe I should run out to Wally world and stock in some more PBR an MD 20/20. I mean, jus wonderin! 🙂
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Um, only if you are planning to bring MD 20/20 Banana Red. That one was my favorite! Do they really still sell it? LOL
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Thanks for clarifying! Party for all those left behind tomorrow night!
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Hmmm . . . no meat & milk together . . . well that just took care of anyone who ever had a cheeseburger!
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Hmmm . . . no meat and milk together . . . that just took care of anyone who ever ate a cheeseburger!
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LOVE it!!! Had to post the link on my Facebook page, very funny!
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I hate to spoil the fun because the flowchart is really funny and clever but as a rabbi it just kind of bugs me to see that your comedic premise is flawed.
You’re listing a whole bunch of commandments from the Torah (or what the Christians like to call the “Old” Testament.) Those commandments that you quote, like Leverite marriage, or wearing an admixture of wool and linen, or shaving the side locks, those are only for Jewish people. The Torah isn’t telling any gentiles to do any of that!
But, if you argue that you are writing this chart from a supposedly Christian perspective (which would make sense because the whole Rapture thing is a Christian invention) well, sorry to say, the Christians don’t believe that they need to do any of that stuff either! I’m no expert in Christianity, but I can tell you for sure that they do NOT believe that you have to keep the Biblical commandments to be raptured, you just have to be “saved.” (Indeed, that’s the whole premise of their religion!)
So, just to sum up. Yes, I am a real rabbi. Yes, I think your chart is kind of cute. But please get your facts straight before you make fun of religion. It will be even funnier that way when your premise is more accurately based on the truth.
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Yes, I’m writing from a Christain perspective, and the points you make are part of the hypocrisy the chart is pointing out. You can’t claim one person isn’t saved because of a “sin” (e.g, homosexuality), while saying people who divorce repeatedly are saved. But really, the flowchart isn’t supposed to be taken that seriously.
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or in Hebrew לבוא על זה רק בדיחה. אתה לוקח את זה ברצינות רבה מדי.
🙂
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I think I just inhaled a fly from laughing so hard.
Does that count as meat?
Damn. Doomed
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Maybe you have to gay to know how consistently, persistently and perniciously Leviticus is used to condemn gays. Homophobes will quote it before any other text to argue their point; it’s our faces they’re in with their signs. So for this lesbian, Leviticus as Christian doctrine is very present in my life. It is more present in the lives of gay people than in most Christians’ lives apparently, judging from the postings here.
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קומען אויף אים ס נאָר אַ וויץ. איר ‘רע גענומען אים צו אַפ אַנ עמעס.
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as it said Rabbi….even the Jews did not recognise the Son of God…The Christ…As a Christian, we do believe we have to keep the commandments….But we also know that we all fail at following them so thats why Jesus came to save us…If you are going to say something about Christians, dont group us all in with what you think about them…..As it seems you know nothing about Christians or Jesus as you would not be a Rabbi but a born again Christian if you did!!!!!! And us being saved is more than just believing, even Satan believes in Jesus and God……Get it right before posting!!!!!!
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Wait… isn’t the Rapture about a man from mars eating cars and eating bars? All you have to do is watch TV and he goes away, leaving us behind, except if he ate you or your car first.
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I guess its looting for me tomorrow night.
Love the glow chart btw
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I live in the center of Vermont. There’s nothing to loot here but empty beer cans stashed out behind the neighbor’s barn full of mangy cows.
Woo hoo… big night tonight
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uh…I know you think you’re very clever, deriding religion and all, which is well and good, but there’s a problem here:
This is a chart that tells HOW TO BE A GOOD JEW.
But JEWS don’t believe in the RAPTURE. Rapture is a CHRISTIAN concept, and I know of NO CHRISTIAN SECT that says you have to follow Levitical Law to get taken up in the rapture. In fact, most Christians would say JEWS (who deny Christ) will NOT be raptured, yet every observant orthodox Jew would pass this flow chart.
When you make fun of something, it’s good to know what the hell you’re talking about, otherwise it’s you who ends up looking silly.
Oh, but I know: religion is religion, so what’s the difference.
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“Oh, but I know: religion is religion, so what’s the difference.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself. From the sounds of things… everyone’s screwed here anyway, since the Christians don’t abide by the word of God and the Jews don’t believe in Rapture… so when the Rapture comes, I guess no one disappears.
Party time! Beer and earthquakes for everyone!
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Can I bring winecoolers? Beer tastes like pee
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(Bear Grylls walks into the convo)
Oh, I guess I’ll have one of those then.
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actually, I’m making fun of that idea, that a satirist has no responsibility to make distinctions between judaic and christian doctrine.
This flow chart is 100% JEWISH not christian.
Rapture is 100% christian, not jewish
therefore, this author is a DILETANTE
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…if you are a Catholic, NO RAPTURE for you (with my best “soup nazi” accent) haha!!
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Happily, as an atheist and a Sodomite who mocks Jesus and Christians whenever it’s appropriate, I don’t think I’m in any danger of being raptured tomorrow.
But I think that both you (the blogger) and your commenters are missing the point about the relevance of the Torah. True, at times Jesus is shown in the gospels endorsing the everlasting validity of the Torah, every jot and tittle. But at other times he tosses out jots and tittles, including some rather major ones like the purity rules (Mark 7:14, I believe), forbidding divorce (which Yahweh permitted), and sometimes just lyin’, as when he indicates in the Sermon on the Mount that the Torah commands/permits you to hate your enemies, though in fact the Torah says no such thing. So, like many religious teachers, Jesus was not perfectly consistent in his teachings, which is even more damaging if he was, as Christians believe, The God-man. And, of course, the doctrine of Christian freedom from the commandments is really only explicit in the letters of Paul (though it may be implicit in parts of the gospels). I love pointing this out to liberal or gay Christians who attack Paul, since they rely heavily on the doctrine of Christian freedom from the Law. If not for Paul, they’d all be avoiding pork and getting circumcised.
But what I thought when I looked at your flowchart was that there are plenty of silly / embarrassing teachings of Jesus that could have been included here, if not for the fact that making fun of the Torah is safer for Christians than making fun of the teachings of Jesus. For example: Have you divorced and remarried? Have you sold all you have and given to the poor? Have you plucked out your eye in order to avoid sin? Have you cut off your arm to avoid sin? Have you become a eunuch for the Kingdom of Heaven? Have you ever withheld charity from a poor person who asked for it, such as a homeless person on the street? Have you taken thought for the morrow? If so, no Rapture for you!
Well, maybe you can use some of these when the next Rapture comes along; they always do. But there’s another thing. While it’s true that the Rapture is not, strictly speaking, a New Testament doctrine, the imminence of the return of Christ is, and not just in a marginal book like the Apocalypse but in the gospels as a major theme in Jesus’ teaching: it runs throughout the New Testament, and though it’s played down in John’s gospel even he doesn’t quite deny it. It’s easy and fun to make fun of people today who preach that the End Is Near, but Jesus was one of them. The primitive church was an end-of-the-world cult.
So, thanks for the laughs. See you in Hell!
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I’m finding the comments almost as hilarious as the flow chart – especially the ones very earnestly explaining why the chart is wrong. Some of the best unintentional humor I’ve read.
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Yeah, I really didn’t expect people to take it seriously, but I didn’t expect it to go viral either. I probably shouldn’t try to respond to people, it hurts my head.
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Have to agree with you–the comments have been as entertaining as the chart itself.
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Love the humor !! Thanks for this!!
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If I get to go, (which I seriously doubt), great!
If not, at least I should finally be able to get a job.
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This chart is confusing…………….
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I’ve never seen it so well explained, thanks!!
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actually, this is very BADLY explained; these are rules for being JEWISH and JEWS DONT BELIEVE IN RAPTURE.
Hey clueless 20-somethings: Judiasm is NOT THE SAME as Christianity and NEVER HAS BEEN
But dont let me interrupt your superiority party
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It’s Saturday morning in Hanoi and I just fed my cat. She’s glad I was left behind.
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okay, seriously stop! the world wont end. people get lives! goshh
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Whatever YOU think the Bible says, and whatever YOU think that means about the RAPTURE, the FACTS are:
1. Described above are rules for being Jewish. Not since Paul came back to Jerusalem in the years before the Romans destroyed the Second Temple have followers of Christ been required to keep Kosher, follow Jewish dress codes, or any of this stuff.
2. No Christian sect that I know of connects the Rapture to keeping Levitical Law. You may think they SHOULD require it, but then you are making a serious theological argument, and no longer in the realm of satire.
So which is it? Is this flow chart an attempt to argue that a “good Christian” should be defined by keeping the Jewish laws? Or are you satiring a non-existent doctrine?
Kind of odd to satire a belief no one has, even if you think they should have it.
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I don’t think anything, it’s a joke.
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its a great joke… Thanks!
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good satire is wellinformed.
when your satire isnt, other uninformed people will laugh
when people tell you your premise is flawed, to defend yourself by saying “it’s meant to be funny” is both a personal cop out and an insult to humorists throughout history.
again: you’re mocking a belief that NO ONE HOLDS, and your audience thinks you’re successfully mocking an actual religion or group of people.
SO this is where the secular irony youth culture is: We are so cool, and so right, and so clever, we can make fun of things that dont exist, and we get patted on the back. And those who point out that we are just parading our ignorance and lack of critical thinking skills are just mocked.
good luck in your lives, cretins
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So…if she weighs the same as a duck…she’s made of wood?
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Brilliant!!!!
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Good luck to you too, sir. I’m sorry I “insulted humorists throughout history.”
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you do “think” something, you wrote it: “Actually, Jesus said he did not come to abolish the law, so I sort of know what the he’ll I’m talking about, but thanks.”
So you’re arguing that your characterization of Christianity as requiring Jewishness is correct. But it’s not. When was the last time you saw a Christian who didn’t shave his sideburns? Or who didn’t eat shrimp or pork?
You may think that’s hypocritical, but it has been so since Christianity began – long before the “Rapture” was part of Christianity. So again: You are making fun of people who think following the Levitical Laws will get them into heaven at the Rapture, but NO ONE THINKS THAT.
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Could you please just shut up?
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Sigh
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I was laughing uproariously until the people with no sense of humor came out, both Christians and non-Christians. Goodness people, lighten up!
I agree, don’t bother responding unless something really gets your goat, so to speak, or tickles you. Enjoy your sister’s wedding and think nothing more about this.
It’s brilliant and hilarious and people who can’t laugh at themselves (again, both Christians and non-Christians) have a pitiful life! However, that’s just the opinion of a Christian who understands just how funny God’s sense of humor is!
Congrats on the viral blog posting!! Well done!
God Bless =)
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Thanks, I will!
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One has to know the heart of God. You find his heart through your own and the two become one. God does have a sense of humor and he is laughing at, not with, us. A wise man knows what he doesn’t know and doesn’t pretend to. Those who say that they know when the rapture will occur do nothing except harm and dilute faith not only in themselves but in those around them. What will they say to God in that moment when they have to account for themselves? I believe that the real sinners are the spinners….
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What no robots are going? If Geoff Peterson isn’t going, then I don’t want to! Balls!
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Pingback: Radical Vixen » Blog Archive » Rapture Day Nuttiness
in case of rapture don’t wear flip-flops! they’ll fall off and when u get to heaven u’ll keep stubbing ur big toes on those streets of gold and making a bleedin’ mess everywhere… coz there are no band aids in up there! would i lie??? ; )
St. Andrew of Jesus
Andrew@surf1.ws
Gather.com
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Brilliant. Thank you. Thank God for humor. Helps me to forgive the Righteous.
The Bible/Torah/Koran/Tripitaka/Mahyana Sutras are all a big bunch of (too often misunderstood) metaphor for how to get along. We’ll wake up one day to discover Heaven was here all along, in our hearts, which, once completely opened to each other, emits a Light of Love so strong, we all remember that WE are the Christ.
Or something like that. 🙂
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This is hysterical!!! Really??? @ “Realistic”!! The duck/wood comment made me fall on the floor …. literally!! @Peas & Cougar … epic!!! @ all the commentors … thanks for the entertainment!! @ the “real” Rabbi …. if you really were “real” … would you REALLY be judging like this??? :-o)
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@ bishop too … “judge not that ye be not judged” …. holy hell …. laugh a little, life is too short!!
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What is the time zone for the rapture? Not that I qualify for any of it. Even if I was I wouldn’t go without my family and pets!
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Fixed your chart!
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Brilliant. Bandannas off to you!
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What’s really funny is that 100 years after we’re all dead, people will still be having these conversations. I was brought up in a christian household and have struggled with religion for as long as I can remember. The only true fact is that NO ONE really knows what really happened or what it all means. I personally think that if Jesus was gonna come back he would have done so by now. That being said I definitley believe in a higher power or creator simply because life is far to complex to happen by mere chance. I think it’s just easier for most people to say “well jesus is the reason for the Whole universe”. It’s what we’ve always been taught therefore that’s the truth. Our tiny brains simply can’t digest anything else. Not to mention the fear factor of being thrown into a firey hell that has been driven into our heads since age 3. The biggest question is what is god or the higher power?, or maybe just maybe it’s far bigger than that.
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flow chart is an invalid joke.
only one way to be raptured. belive JESUS is the Son of GOD and confess it with your mouth. and let HIM be your LORD and Saviour.
ps. Only GOD knows when the rapture will be. Are you ready for it?
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How would a mute person do this?
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what if i am deeply religious, but not Christian? God wont want me, is that what you think? god is a narrow minded bigot?
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“Our tiny brains simply can’t digest anything else. ”
Not all of us are incapable of thinking our way out of that riddle, Stargazer.
“flow chart is an invalid joke”
It is full of direct quotes from the bible, Alf, and that makes it a valid joke, just like the bible.
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I’m a evangelical Christian minister, and found the chart to be quite amusing. No heavy theology intended was obvious. It’s funny, people! See you on Sunday. Or not.
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Damn. Knew I should never have tried that camel sandwich.
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Better to try camel sandwich than camel toe.
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I like camel toe!
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This was truly funny…both the flow chart and comments.
With all these intelligent people leaving comments, maybe one of you can answer a question I have: Did God create man or did man create God?
Then work on this one: If God knows everthing that will happen to the end of time He obviously knows how the universe will end…what’s the purpose of creating it at all?
Great people have lived in history, all with messages we should hear: Do unto others as you would have done unto you. It would make for a heaven right here on earth.
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Anyone in Australia? Has the Rapture started?ol!! Nairobi is soo much alive
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soooooooooooooooo … who’s having an after-rapture party?
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As a follower of Christ, I think it’s all pretty simple, really. We’re here to show love to others. That includes laughing at things like this that are really funny! Thanks for the morning laugh! (glad I’m here to enjoy it)
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I absolutely agree. Sometimes people take things entirely too seriously!
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Pity all those poor Christians who wake up tomorrow and figure that going to church now is probably immaterial, since they didn’t make the cut…
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This is most amusing, entertaining, and erudite crowd! Love the comments, but not as much as I love the flowchart, misspellings, typos and all! Bet you’ll have waaaay more than 6,500 hits by the end of the day, because tons of us are linking to you from our Facebook accounts. Watch out — fame will find you even if the Rapture doesn’t! 😉
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The responses are worth publishing–you have a NYTIMES best seller on your hands–this Will get You on The Daily Show.
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Does anyone know Jon Stewart? I’ll also take Conan.
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It doesn’t appear that anyone will be “raptured.” Maybe the rapture occurred and we all don’t know about it because no one was “raptured.” Then again, maybe we don’t know about the end of the world because we weren’t invited. This is fun!
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Mow your lawn before you go, please.
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I have nothing against those of any faith. I personally don’t hold any firm belief other than the one that all religions were created and promoted to help people deal with the reality of death. It is much easier to believe in a heaven or a hell than to believe that when you die you are just gone forever. If we didn’t have religions there would likely be a lot more chaos. People wouldn’t feel obligated to do anything except what they wanted. So ultimately, in some ways it has probably been good for society as a whole. Let people believe what they will. If it makes you feel better and doesn’t harm anyone else then so be it. But you don’t have to go around condemning those who don’t agree. Follow your own teachings and do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
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I’m just slightly curious, if I am female AND have shaved my head, taken the Lord’s name in vane, eaten pork, while wearing a linen thong and wool slippers, well I guess I’m pretty much screwed. However, my redeeming act could be that I did not marry my brother’s wife. I wanted to, but it wasn’t legal. So, is that enough to save me? Just askin’
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Nah. Lol. You are definitely left behind along with the rest of us 🙂
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Bist larff eye’ve had awl weak
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i laugh at satire that is funny. Funny sastire makes fun of something that exists in the world. Nowhere in the world does there exist a SINGLE PERSON who thinks you have to not wear woll to be raptured. The author claims this isn’t meant to be serious, but clearly it IS meant to be a satire of religion – a serious criticism of religion, even if made humorously. THAT’s WHAT SATIRE IS.
Therefore, satire that mocks something NONEXISTENT is not actually satire, it’s ignorance on parade. HA HA>
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I know you’re very serious and everything, but what is woll? Is it anything to do with figth and where do you wear it?
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Your total lack of sense of humor and insistance on precise mockery is probably the funniest bunch of comments here. And the best part is, you dont’ get how funny you (unintentionally, I’m sure) are. The chart is/was a joke. It is funny. You are funnier by not really getting it.
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now this is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!! lol, lol, lol, lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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You are all laughing becuase you think the author has made a clever insight into religion. You are also laughing because you think you are superior to the fools who believe you have to avoid wearing wool etc to be repatured.
But NO ONE believes this. All of you who laugh just show off your utter ignorance, and your need to feel superior to people of faith. It’s the mark of your whole generation – chronic superior irony.
And you can blow me off by assuming I’m on overly serious person or whatever, which I’m not. I just have respect for both the art of satire and for religion, and this author neither respects nor understands either one, and neither do the people laughing.
A great example of the death of the American mind.
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I’m an example of the “death of the American mind,” thats a new one.
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You are an example of a clever individual! Just look at the humor, debate, humor, bantor, humor, lectures, humor, oh and did I mention humor? Awesome job!
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Hang on a minute, now you’re on about people being repatured. Is this some special deal about being sent back to your country of birth before you can be raptured?
Oh yes, and ‘blow me off’ doesn’t cross the Atlantic very well, especially during Sunday breakfast.
Just sayin’
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Whoa! – There’s an American mind???
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I guess there was before I killed it. Do you think I could put that on my resume?
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“HA ha, dumb people think you have to marry your brother’s wife to get raptured, and this author has revealed how dumb they are.”
except no one believes this, so the joke’s on all of you.
But yay, you’re gonna have 15 minutes of fame!
And please do go on the Daily Show if invited, because I know Stewart will skewer you for having NO CLUE WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT
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Speaking of ignorant spam….
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Yes, I’m sure Jon Stewart would totally take this seriously.
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Peas and Cougars, I commend you immensly for biting your tounge so well with that complete moron who goes by Bishop. Some people are just not happy unless they are trying to make someone else miserable. You are hysterical, even if you are “ignorant” (that was a joke). Keep on posting this funny shit and you will be famous soon, and don’t let the muggles (or bishops) get you down!
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@Bishop – Did you ever think that this particular blog is so popular, not necessarily to make fun of religion, but maybe because a lot of people are tense and stressed because of this supposed rapture? Did it ever occur to you that just maybe the people who are posting are trying to make light of a bad situation so they can keep going with their lives? Everyone isn’t out to mock other religions or make fun necessarily. There is nothing wrong with some light-hearted humor. I sincerely doubt the author was out to make fun of anyone in particular. Did you ever think that he/she just wanted to make some people smile?
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@ Abby, Thank you for trying to find an excuse for what is clearly inexcusable. I, myself am neither stressed or tense due to the predicted doom and rapture. Instead, I am simply someone with a warped sense of humor, and I think I shall go forth delighted in the fact that I there is no excuse for my musings and comic relief. I sure love this sight! I think there is some cyber fig-fighting going on here, on a level that none of us can see or understand. The real question is if anyone is eating the figs. And, if they are, have they added the figs to unlevened flour to make little cyber fig newtons? And, then, the real question would be if they are dipping their little newties in milk. For surely the Bible tells us that we should not have to part our beards to drink milk. I am cracking myself up here!
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Mm, fig newtons.
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@ Peas and Cougar, I don’t think you should start with Stewart or Conan. You need to take this to a more serious venue. Lemme see. How about Limbaugh, O’Reily, or Walters. I mean really, we ARE talking about the end of mankind! I am so sorry that I cannot hook you up with any of them. Wait! Boy George is on my Yahoo friends list – would you like to interview with him? That would put an interesting twist on the whole conversation!
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That might be fun, although I think I’m pretty boring in real life.
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Double Damn… does that mean my sons are going to be following ME….. they are like a bad penny or a boomarang you just can’t get rid of them LOL
No pets so I sure don’t need to find caretakers for them.
HEY my birthday is May 28th…. if my hubby thinks he is getting out of buying me a present he can just forget THAT idea right now. Another hey I have a Blueberry Festival to do on June 3rd and 4th soooooo RAPTURE can not possibly happen until after then anyway.
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The Rapture per Greg von Haesler
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I hope you don’t mind, but being bored & a little disappointed that I’ve not been left to sin in peace after all, I’ve corrected your spelling mistake for you.
You can find your edited flow chart here:
http://irjvow.bay.livefilestore.com/y1pGQzIk93Vyo2vgxXG-Y6X1ODJsaI2RMrFkHV6aYyxBMFSw26YB6C0UKlqEYKEtF_hwX6DC5bwqeKv3kUtJzNqsmnuiWisxKie/will-you-be-raptured-flowchart1.png?psid=1
I don’t suppose that you would let me put on my, barely read, blog.
I promise that if you say yes, sinner though I be, I won’t try & pretend that it’s mine.
Please !
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You need to link back to my blog and give me all due credits, payments, and sacrifices.
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Oh, now I get it!! I thought they said “raptor” was coming, so I was just planning to keep my four small pets inside that day.
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The raptor. LMAO. I’m sorry, I actually did laugh really hard at that. Could you imagine if the whole world was fearing the “Raptor” instead of the “Rapture”? Godzilllla.
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I’ll go with that Of course I won’t be raptured ’cause only non-christians are ok w wonder about the universe. christians have this weird need to think they “knooooooooow”
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Did camping just inadvertenly join himself to the hip with all the other false prophets with this latest proclamation. Kind of funny his becoming unrighteous while attempting to save the world.
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Do you have a Facebook page or Twitter? Would love to follow you there, I’m on my iPhone and love reading your stuff!
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Not right now, but I’ll let you know if that changes.
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As I read it, women whose husbands fight eunuchs are up the creek (no balls to grab).
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I guess you all don’t know this:
Artist Deadmau5 saved us from the veloci-rapture.
He flew out to space (along with his jetpack toting cat, Meowingtons) and met the Veloci-rapture on a MS Paint looking planet and battled it with their laser-eyes. So I say a congratulations is in order for him!
And I will be keeping this chart for my personal records, too. I want to keep in mind how to saved in case the veloci-rapture is ever to return) 🙂
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Oh damn. It’s May 22 and I’m still alive. Looks like Camping was wrong.. either that or the Bible is/was.
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Hilarious! 🙂
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My fiance and I did that test, and ‘whew’ we both aren’t going anywhere! We’ll get married after all, rapture or no rapture!
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Congrats!
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I can’t believe people aren’t taking this stuff seriously. There’s probably a very serious reason that God has delayed the imminent months of hell on earth – he probably wanted to catch the end of the Premier league season in England before it all became a thing of the past:
http://idontknowjack.co.uk/2011/05/21/the-end-is-nigh-but-not-if-youre-christian/
Nice flow chart 😉
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Does anyone ever take into account that Christianity is largely borrowed from the Egyptian culture/beliefs? Its not like God and Jesus popped into existence (although technically, Jesus did) for the Jews sake n all that (I don’t care what for, Christ Nazis). The Bible was compiled using assimilated stories and myths from Egyptian culture so that it would connected to a powerful civilization, and would be believed to be truthful. Not to say the Bible isn’t a good story, but your ‘word of god’ has been interpreted by man and converted into a tool to dictate the masses. Too bad we don’t have all the dead sea scrolls, we would have a better idea of what the bible and the teachings of god are really supposed to be preaching. I think Jesus was close to spot on… I have no problem accepting Jesus Christ as our lord and savior (Hey, I’m saved! Oh wait, not on the chart…god damnit! ….oh, now I’m REALLY not saved) but the irony about that – which has been pointed out several times here – is that I don’t like many Christians, because they are so unlike their god.
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And I just noticed we have brought to birth a lot of unicorns. Friggin’ awesome! 😀
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Haha, you’re totally the first person to have noticed. There are going to be unicorns everywhere!
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Not true.
Saw it on the 3rd or 4th blog or repeat. Just didn’t say anything. Thought it was like wishes, if you tell it won’t come true 😉
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Actually, that’s a good point.
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When Christains say they will pray for you , they pray for you to open your eyes and get understanding. Jesus fufilled the law when he gave his life for us. Now the only way to get into Heaven is by him….believing, having a personal relationship with him, trying to live as he did. We all fall short as we are not perfect, but if we ask forgiveness and turn from what we are doing wrong then Jesus is just and will forgive us. The bible does promise Christ will return again, but no man knows the day or hour and anyone trying to say they know are from the evil one, they are false phrophets. Please excuse any of my misspelling. As for sin, Jesus says whoever does the least of these have done all. Please bow your head and pray and ask for God to open your heart, to give you understanding. Let the Holy Spirit in.
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So I heard this morning that the judgement really happened Saturday, and the destruction of the earth by earthquakes has been postponed until Oct 21. My birthday is the 19th, so I think you should sell everything you own to buy me a nice birthday/going away (and not to the rapture) gift. FYI
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Yep, you’re right. No rapture, just global destruction 10/21/2011, according to our bad-at-math buddy, Mr. Camping: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/05/23/doomsday-leader-flabbergasted-that-the-end-didnt-arrive/
Now we have to start planning our “now-what-do-we-do-since-the -world-ended-again” parties for 10/22. 🙂
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I hope I don’t get “raptured” too soon. I’m really busy comitting Onanism to Lady GaGa videos!
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I also hope my Grammar doesn’t see this. She’ll be mad at me. Wait… G-R-A-M-M… Oh shit, Left behind!
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…of course, all those things (as well as quite a few more relevant issues) would WOULD apply if the Rapture was based upon works.
Of course, those who believe in it believe that it is based upon the free gift of God, received by nothing other than faith. Like an unfaithful wife who comes back to her husband, there is nothing we can “do” to make our sins better with God. But through Jesus Christ, God has left the back door open to us. When we repent, that is like us taking Him up on His offer, coming back home to the one who made us.
The point of the Law (meanting, the Old Testament rules) is that it is pointless. Or, that it is impossible. In so doing, it blows our self-image and illusions out of the water. We realize that if God’s standards are “up here,” we are “down here.” This enables the whole process of repentance and reconciliation with God to begin.
I know this post is just a joke and most of you don’t care about what I just said. Fair enough. But if what I said rings true with anyone in here, feel free to post a question or check me out at http://www.nolongerbechildren.wordpress.com
God bless!
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It all makes sense now. Thank you. I thought it was something I had done. Now I am sure it was!
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Spent so much time almost crying with laughter (the Flowchart AND the comments) instead of doing my assignments 🙂 And now, here I am again, neglecting my assignments. Just had to share an article I just found…
NEWSFLASH!!!
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/8252951/rapture-actually-coming-in-october
Well, at least it is after I finish my course…
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May 21 Project: What if it really happened? http://may21project.blogspot.com/
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I feel a flowchart coming on…can I hire you? Or should I just make a crappy imitation version? Sometimes there are moments in life that just require a flowchart.
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Lol! This is crazy ridiculous!
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WOW!!! What a ride. Now this is what I call success.
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Blasphemers will be left behind.
;_;
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Taku gives us such good news. Nothing worse than spending eternity with self-righteous religious bigots that think they have a corner on what is right.
Randy
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Late to the ball, but just wanted to add my “Brilliant” on the rapture chart. You’ve provided an essential roadmap for how good Christians everywhere should live their lives. And wool is so darn itchy, anyhow.
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Well it didn’t happen at the end. But the flowchart is very interesting. I can say its a good one! TFS
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